avenant

This year I've resolved to stepping up my art and expressing myself more freely - if one doesn't do that, then what's the point in any of this, right? An exercise in technical execution is hardly as significant nor is it memorable after all is said and done, and I can continue to draw directly from reference until I'm blue in the face but it won't take me where I want to go. It's very important to me that I draw more from imagination the way I always did as a child, to break free from the restraints of technical concerns.

That said, when it comes to learning any skill I'm rather adamant on getting the basics down thoroughly before moving on. Frankly I like it this way and I think having a solid foundation makes a tremendous difference. Unfortunately for me, I probably take this to an excess where I forget about drawing imaginatively. This year I have done a total of 24 portraits in my sketchbook, 20 - 60 minutes each - I will continue until I have done 100 of these, but I also really need to focus on drawing from imagination again, which includes composition, perspective and colour for me.

I've started a number of imaginative pieces but haven't finished any. Why? Because art is hard. If I compare it to my professional career (various forms of programming), art feels far more personal and therefore subject to harsher judgement - somehow I'm OK with writing less-than-perfect code knowing I will go back to it and correct any errors and accepting that development is an iterative process and sometimes (often) it's necessary to make mistakes first before flaws can be identified and subsequently rectified. It's actually a great approach but why the hell is it so difficult to apply to artwork? Furthermore, I've taken up playing guitar and practice that every day alongside art. That has it's own frustrations especially given that I'm so new to it, but even so isn't as intimidating as art. Why? Because after beating out some horrendous practice songs, I can put down my guitar without a shred of evidence remaining - I'm free to make mistakes without them remaining on paper to stare back at me, but practicing art is an altogether more challenging situation!

I don't mean to trivialise this instrument... far from it, but at least for me there's something acutely (and uniquely) challenging about art which makes it infinitely rewarding as well as potentially paralyzing! That means I'm in awe of my fellow artists on here... you guys have a lot of guts to do what you do. Respect.

It feels like I'm stumbling a lot right now but that's all part of the process - during February I'll be submitting some finished works, which I hope will reflect the practice I'm currently doing. Whew!

Personally, my experience of 2013 equates to something of a sine graph with a high amplitude: that is, a series of extreme highs and extreme lows. Heartwrenching though some of those lows were, I think there's something wonderful about that sadness as well, since this is what it means to be alive. Perhaps most importantly of all though, the fading embers of those experiences can light the way to new horizons. 

Which brings us to 2014! A new year feels like a blank slate, filled with potential... and I'd like to hit the ground running today. I have not been able to draw every day, but I have done far more than previously so the momentum is there. In the coming year I would really like to expand my artistic ability and especially draw more from imagination - although I should probably stop typing now and let what I create speak for itself, no?

Happy belated new years to you all. I look forward to sharing what 2014 brings!

Stuff and nonsense - I'm guilty of wishful thinking. Guilty of unfounded optimism, overshot confidence. Consider for a moment my journal entry prior to this one - seven years - that's how long I've been starting and stopping again. That's how long I've been somewhat driven and yet not enough to gain enough traction and momentum on achieving this goal. Granted, I have certainly worked to some extent and have improved my abilities and I don't doubt that. However, this is a far cry from the hopes and dreams I harbored since then and with regard to this I must grudgingly concede: I have failed.

This is a harsh realisation but to own the truth, this sentiment isn't anything new to me. Far from it, I have been painfully aware of the fact that I continually and persistently procrastinate to the point where I have lost count of how many times I have resolved to (and neglected to) do otherwise. At the expense of wearing my heart on my sleeve, I have recently experienced a breakup which has been somewhat traumatic for me and has left me wondering how exactly I came to be living this life. You might think that the emotional turbulence would lead me to produce excellent and dramatic works of art, but the truth is it was more debilitating than anything else. And if this won't shock me into working hard consistently, then... well... fuck. Realistically though, being shocked into positive change doesn't really sound like the right way to go about it anyway. Right?

So why has this been so difficult for me to address if I'm constantly aware of it? Frankly, I must be banging my head against the wall in that I am not going about things the right way. So some people like to say that the definition of insanity is in trying the same thing over repeatedly and expecting different outcomes... while other people say something along the lines of: "Well I'm going to have my last cigarette tomorrow and after that I'm quitting" - oh really? Again? And that's different from the last time because..?

Perhaps therein lies the problem - a repetitive and stubborn mindset with regard to what it means to change habits coupled with postponing change? Or something like that, anyway. Let's be honest now: change is difficult to bring about, especially positive and constructive change (I mean I would probably find it easy to descend into heroin addiction if I were so inclined). If I really think about it, it's borderline terrifying to consider just how much we are slaves to habit - it dominates so much of how we spend every day, and it is a stubborn bitch to have to change.

In this way, wishful thinking is worthless. It's the easiest thing in the world to do because it costs nothing with regard to actual effort - and although it is a beautiful thing to dream - dreaming in itself doesn't do much. In fact, I have to admit that I probably spend more time out of my day thinking about either the past or the potential future and hardly any time living in the present! It feels good to dream and be nostalgic too, but when the present can be bitterly sobering... well... what a silly way to live a life, don't you think? 

But to return to the topic at hand, how does one change habits anyway? How do I after all this time finally get it right and build those habits that will in turn develop the skills I so badly desire? Well, to be honest I have managed to do so with some areas of my life. When I was in school, I was terribly fickle: I started all kinds of sports and activities, only to give up on them when I realised they might actually require some measure of effort or commitment (or in the case of football, when a ball hit me in the head during my second match and I ran off the field crying. I was seven). But when I was eighteen, I started doing kung fu with two friends. It was extremely difficult for us at first, but we encouraged each other to work hard and it was fun to attend training! Before I knew it, I was addicted. We trained three times a week and I never missed it - this eventually went up to five times a week and I still never missed class. In fact, I went to training with a fever once and pretended to be well until I collapsed and was consequently the most sick I have ever been in my life - and this was the same kid who used to quit everything? My sense of confidence, self-discipline and overall fitness grew tremendously, and it's still one of the best things I ever did in my life. I eventually stopped four years later, but it was for reasons other than "not feeling like it anymore".

Another, more recent example: I have always wanted to read more books, but I found it laborious and tedious to do so. But once I started taking a train to commute to work (for one hour and twenty minutes every weekday), I resolved to put my cellphone and laptop away and to only read during those trips. I have been commuting since August 2011 and I have read 54 books (and counting) since then. This includes "War and Peace" and the entire "Song of Ice and Fire" series. I'm suddenly considered to be somebody who is well-read. How the hell did that happen? Especially considering that I read a sum of approximately 5 books in the preceding 3 years?

Here's the thing - neither the kung fu training nor the reading were actually difficult to do. Each of them were just taken one step at a time and eventually they came naturally. In each of those cases I had a catalyst to aid me (my friends and my commute on the train, respectively) so why not apply the same principle to art? It will have to be something slightly more contrived, but what the hell: a calendar. I will draw or paint for an hour every day and I tick off each day on my calendar if and only if I have completed my task. No excuses, no exceptions - I'm not allowed to break the chain, not ever. 

So that's it. That's my plan. I'm not even putting any long-term goals down, I will let them emerge naturally and besides which I've spent more than enough time dreaming already. I'm not making any promises either - if what I create every day is shit, good. So much the better... I'm starting to realise that life is far more about failure than it is about success anyway. 

Noncommittal wishful thinking, I love you... but you're a cruel mistress. I'll take the slow, incremental climb to actual development over you - it's not you, it's me. Now fuck off... yeah, just after you check your e-mail and facebook before you go.

Dear reader: if you've made it this far, thank you for reading my rant. Have you felt this way before and been frustrated? Or have you perhaps found a good way to build good habits? I would love to hear your thoughts! But don't spend too much time writing back to me because I would rather see you create beautiful art.

It's a bit sad to think that seven years ago, I had so many hopes for how my artistic career (so to speak) would pan out - it's a long time in which to develop a talent quite thoroughly and I'm very sad to say that I haven't done nearly enough. I'm sorry, self. Still, not all is lost! Since my prior presence here, I've learnt a new skill from scratch (programming), secure degrees in this, found a job, and been promoted. Plus I like to think that I've grown as a person since my last visit!

Of course, me being back here means I want to seriously improve my artistic abilities. I don't want to revisit this page again in another seven years and post a similar lament. I know nobody is watching this page yet or reading these posts but that's something else I hope to remedy...